The Great Corn Syrup / iPhone Debate, Part 1: About Damn Time

I told my best friend a little while ago that my second post would be about comparing two unrelated topics. He and I both know I have nothing important to say. Wait, I'll rephrase that. Until I begin to take this whole blog thing seriously, I will continue to waste everybody's time. I am not ashamed.

Strong start.

So I told my friend I will write about High Fructose Corn Syrup and iPhones. Seemed innocent and stupid enough. Just my style; Random, Dumb. Being a follow-through kind of guy (emphasis on the Follow), I thought on the subject. I wrote down a few words, ate some store-bought apple pie, searched "Corn Syrup" in the App Store. You know, the usual research.

On a side note, and not surprisingly, I recieved my iPhone only a week or so ago. I have that to blame for my lack a sophomore post until now.

Actually, my first post is as much to blame for not following up as well. I keep telling myself not to delete it. Some day I will forget.

Ahem...

So, I've got some research under my belt. There is, in fact, no iCornSyrup App. I cant help but imagine what a Corn Syrup App would be about. Perhaps all the negative things it can do to you? Who would want to dedicate an entire app to just one ingredient? And who would buy it?

Speaking of, I am sure we have all heard of the ongoing paranoia among select groups against the use of High Fructose Corn Syrup. If you haven't heard, I'll give you a quick rundown. It causes cancer; It is an addiction; It causes laziness; It makes baby lab monkeys cry.

It's all uproven nonsense to me, but is somehow unavoidably non-negotiable; like Global Warming. It is funny how some arguments permeate and become truth.

I don't mean to begin a hard argument so soon.

I also don't mean to begin a comparison so soon (Afterall, we're having so much fun, right?), but let's use the same argument against iPhones. It causes cancer; It is an addiction; It causes laziness; It makes baby lab monkeys cry. This actually works! The big difference here is that every phone/PDA/computer has also seen the same claims made against it. iPhone is not so lonely as Corn Syrup in the debate, but this is another accepted, yet unproven truth.

This really is besides my point, though. My logic is much more simple. Juvenile.

We are dirty people. So dirty that Apple's latest iPhone hardware now has a coating on it to repel our disgusting matter from the otherwise streamlined, clean exterior. We really are selfish people.

On this day (meaning today), how many pounds of High Fructose Corn Syrup are currently stuck to the surfaces of iPhones all over the world? One granola bar worth? Two Apple Pies worth? One Hundred Gallons of Yogurt?

Maybe not so much the 3GS now, but what about the 3G? How many are sticky? How sticky can they get?

From the number of children who now own the devices, to the slobbish and untidy. From you picking up a McGriddle on your way to work, to me wishing I had one every morning. The two substances simply HAVE to come into contact sometime. The Law of Averages says so.

Some iPhones must be more saturated than others. While some iPhones (perhaps even yours) are spot free and clean, there must be some that are sticky. Not everyone cleans thoroughly, not everyone uses napkins, and there must be a small cross section that does neither.

It is really an interesting thought. Corn Syrup and iPhones have one important thing in common. Your grubby fingers.

As points go, that's as far as I'll take it for now. I'm calling this post Part 1, because I have yet to try to clean anything sticky off my iPhone. Perhaps one day I'll revist the subject and twist it into some rant about obesity and the downfall of American Society. Enjoy a few footnotes below I'm using to patch up the holes in a couple of my arguments.

Until next time...

Footnotes:

- By "Follow", I mean @HokieBill. Some day I'll link all this together and make it seamless...

- Global Warming will have to be a future post. Maybe, after I begin to take this seriously, or after you begin to take me seriously. Whichever comes first.

- I will never take Global Warming seriously.

- I'd love to talk about all the "unproven"-ness of my arguments, but I really just didn't feel like it. Even more fodder for future posts.

- I'd love to see what 100 gallons of yogurt looks like.

- Part 2?! Who am I kidding?